thanksgiving break was weird. i spent a lot of time doing nothing and feeling bad about it. this combined with the dark weather and dread felt like watching a blurry world closing in before things came into focus and it was clearly my world, my time, my life. and it felt like this for most of the days, until i accepted the loss and did something to make myself feel better.
i slept over at ray’s wednesday and friday night because i felt so awful and i just wanted comfort. and he is comforting, i guess, but only because he’s really fake about how much cares for me. it’s nice to indulge in that fantasy once in a while but not so much that i might buy into it again.
on thanksgiving day, i just went to my aunt’s house for dinner, then my friend darron’s to hang out. we played video games and watched black mirror and the second guardians of the galaxy. it was chill. darron’s really nice. i like his personality a lot, and he’s hella attractive. he’s very subtly flirty at times, but i’m not looking for anything at all right now. not even someone to hook up with. so i don’t flirt back. but he still texts me and invites me to hang out, so i think he genuinely wants to be friends, which is nice. besides having a shitty view on the decency of guys in general, i’m even more disinclined in darron’s case because he’s been involved with two of our mutual friends, like sexually, and it seems like he’s starting to get serious with one of them to the massive discontent of the other. so yeah, i’m not trying to get involved in that mess at all.
saturday was a big day of nothing. more dread and anger, until i gave up and played board games with zac. and then megan came over and we all played board games.
yesterday, sunday afternoon, i was fed up so i took an adderall to see if it would make a difference, and it did. i got some chemistry homework done. i didn’t take any the other days because i guess i was afraid it would make me feel worse. sometimes the comedown feels pretty bad. but i think i should stick to taking it consistently.
today wasn’t too bad. i woke up later than i wanted to but still early and made a banana avacado and mango smoothie. it was so good. i got ready for school then drove to the max stop. while waiting for the max, i scheduled my diagnosis appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. i had been looking for a psychiatrist but none of the ones who took my insurance were accepting new patients. so i called my family doctor and she said an np would be ok. i’m a little nervous because what if it turns out i don’t have adhd? the adderall is obviously helpful so it would suck if i couldn’t keep taking it.
i took an adderall. i read the sympathizer on the max and went to chemistry lecture, which was pretty interesting today because it was on nuclear chemistry and radioactive decay. i went to the chemistry tutor room and completed the online lab that’s due tomorrow. i took another adderall. i read the sympathizer on the way home. i fucked around for a while at home. i went to the gym. i did stairmaster and worked on shoulders and triceps. i showered at the gym. i went home. i ate dinner. i folded laundry. and now here i am.
i still could have done more today for sure, but i’m pretty happy with what i did. i want to keep it up. but i really think the only way i can is if i lay low and just do my thing, day by day. because if i have too much fun or whatever, i will not want to stick to any sort of healthy productive routine. it would seem very boring in comparison to my other options, even though it’s the best thing for me right now. when i am a little more disciplined, i will try to be more outgoing. but honestly, i don’t think i could be a social butterfly right now even if i wanted to. i did it in the summer, but lately i have been more introverted despite feeling lonely. i don’t want to go out with just whoever, like i do when i’m vibrant. i’m more selective about who i want to be around right now.
being in my own company all the time is weird though. sometimes i feel like such a weirdo and since no one is around for me to ask “does anyone else….”, i think i’m stranger than i am. i am pretty strange, though. that’s okay.