i am currently in my bathroom naked on the toilet. i was going to take a shower but i said to myself, i need to take a minute. i need to take a minute to get in touch with myself and remember who i am and why i’m doing all of this. because something is not sitting right (something other than me on this toilet lol) and i don’t fully understand why.
things were going well. i got an a on my bio midterm and i was working hard on lab reports and getting better at that. i kept up with my shit and was experimenting each day with building some semblance of a routine. i felt really good. i had days where i ran late and my room was still a mess but i felt proud of myself. like wow, it’s happening. it’s happened before but this feels lasting. i kept up with work, school, volunteering, hobbies, friends, etc.
then last week, i started slacking. my short story workshop day was on tuesday so i spent a lot of time writing on monday and tuesday. i am happy with the story and feedback that i got, which was positive and had really good critique on pacing and going “in-scene” which i am still figuring out what that even is. anyway, writing that story was really demanding and draining, emotionally, and it really tested my skills. then i had an exam on wednesday, which i crammed for and that was also very tiring. on thursday, i didn’t have school but i had plans to do stuff, but i don’t even remember what. i didn’t do them and same thing on friday. i skipped class and my volunteer shift, which i feel really guilty about. i just stayed home and got so deep in my feelings and i wanted to cry and crush myself. i know it’s overdramatic, but i felt so fucking disappointed for mismanaging my shit like that. discouragement is very familiar to me.
the weekend wasn’t much better. i blew everything off except for work, which i would have blown off too if i didn’t want to get promoted to server soon. i don’t even know if i want to do that, but i want to keep the option.
basically, i started off the week stressed out and then did the bare fucking minimum the rest of it. i spent a lot of time wallowing, which really hurts and makes me feel shitty but feels very real. it was like a homage to my depression era of daytime television and webcam nudes. side note, a product of these past few days is that i decided to start up the podcast again which is exciting. the podcast is similar to this blog in that i want to do it when i want to do it and i don’t want to force myself to. and now i want to. so yay 🙂
i am still a little in it today, but now i can see that i got burned out and my going to a dark place was a product of the burnout. but a part of me believes that there’s a little more to it. like, this might be bullshit, but i kind of feel a sense of loyalty to the dark place. i don’t think i can live with integrity if i shun it from my life. it feels like a truth. but i don’t think it has to come from discouragement.
i didn’t tell my therapist all of this when i saw her yesterday because i didn’t really think about it this way until today. i only told her that i have slump days and they throw me off a lot. she said i should schedule these days where i don’t expect myself to do anything even if it feels like wasting time because otherwise they will just happened randomly. i think she might be right. so i’ll try that. but i’m worried that i won’t get the satisfaction of channeling my depth if i do it that way because i won’t be doing anything bad. i don’t know, this kind of sounds retarded when i say it but it’s how i feel. i don’t want to use the r-word but this is my anonymous spill blog so who cares. i’m sorry, i know it’s distasteful. i don’t mean it offensively,.
i am still in a weird, sad, lonely mindset but i hope it goes away soon. i do feel like i have more control now. i mean compared to a few days ago, and even more so compared to my sad ass in like 2015. i love her, but she was very sad. i feel like i have a better support system and tools to manage. and of late, no strong love interests to fuck up my life.
at best, i have some slight crushes who distract me a little bit. weird though, how when i am just trying to live and i’m not feeling attached to anyone, the people are on me like never before. like, every dude at work wants to hang out and friends of friends have been asking for my info/relationship status/sexuality/etc. i kind of like the attention but i wish it came when i was trying to hoe out and not right now, when i’m mostly romance repelling. but it makes sense, it’s mating season right now. i don’t want to partake, but it’s nice to make new friends.
i have been hanging out with girls and guys, just keeping it fun and light. i like having the freedom to do that. i’m not against fucking but my standards are higher. i want passion and poise and non-commitment. i know it’s a lot to ask so i need to manage my high sex drive while fucking less. the whole thing with francisco was such a pain in my ass i can’t even begin to describe how much it sucked, but it gave me insight into what i want. the last guy i fucked, the first one since fransisco, i had a deep connection with but he started being confusing so i cut him off fast.
anyway, i will shower now, maybe masturbate, and head to the library to catch up some and then go to work. i hope this week will be more on track. it will be as long as i don’t let the pressure of catching up stress me out and the guilt of not volunteering last week prevent me from smoothly volunteering this week. my game plan is to incorporate mindfulness/self love heavily into this week while i work on getting back on track. i need to remember that progress isn’t linear. i have been doing very well and a few bad days does not negate that. this blog helps a lot to center me even though i have to reiterate: that isn’t the intention. the intention has always been to keep a record for myself. to speak to myself in the future. it is one of the few true safe spaces for me. so if i fall apart and fall apart again i should not be afraid of “looking bad” on here. in fact, i tend to write on here more when i am bad than when i am good, because when i am good, i like to share that with people. i also share it on here sometimes, but i share bad shit more because i don’t have the same abundance of places to go with bad shit.