drinking drugs, yo

seventy-one

i am currently in my bathroom naked on the toilet. i was going to take a shower but i said to myself,  i need to take a minute. i need to take a minute to get in touch with myself and remember who i am and why i’m doing all of this. because something is not sitting right (something other than me on this toilet lol) and i don’t fully understand why.

things were going well. i got an a on my bio midterm and i was working hard on lab reports and getting better at that. i kept up with my shit and was experimenting each day with building some semblance of a routine. i felt really good. i had days where i ran late and my room was still a mess but i felt proud of myself. like wow, it’s happening. it’s happened before but this feels lasting. i kept up with work, school, volunteering, hobbies, friends, etc.

then last week, i started slacking. my short story workshop day was on tuesday so i spent a lot of time writing on monday and tuesday. i am happy with the story and feedback that i got, which was positive and had really good critique on pacing and going “in-scene” which i am still figuring out what that even is. anyway, writing that story was really demanding and draining, emotionally, and it really tested my skills. then i had an exam on wednesday, which i crammed for and that was also very tiring. on thursday, i didn’t have school but i had plans to do stuff, but i don’t even remember what. i didn’t do them and same thing on friday. i skipped class and my volunteer shift, which i feel really guilty about. i just stayed home and got so deep in my feelings and i wanted to cry and crush myself. i know it’s overdramatic, but i felt so fucking disappointed for mismanaging my shit like that. discouragement is very familiar to me.

the weekend wasn’t much better. i blew everything off except for work, which i would have blown off too if i didn’t want to get promoted to server soon. i don’t even know if i want to do that, but i want to keep the option.

basically, i started off the week stressed out and then did the bare fucking minimum the rest of it. i spent a lot of time wallowing, which really hurts and makes me feel shitty but feels very real. it was like a homage to my depression era of daytime television and webcam nudes. side note, a product of these past few days is that i decided to start up the podcast again which is exciting. the podcast is similar to this blog in that i want to do it when i want to do it and i don’t want to force myself to. and now i want to. so yay 🙂

i am still a little in it today, but now i can see that i got burned out and my going to a dark place was a product of the burnout. but a part of me believes that there’s a little more to it. like, this might be bullshit, but i kind of feel a sense of loyalty to the dark place. i don’t think i can live with integrity if i shun it from my life. it feels like a truth. but i don’t think it has to come from discouragement.

i didn’t tell my therapist all of this when i saw her yesterday because i didn’t really think about it this way until today. i only told her that i have slump days and they throw me off a lot. she said i should schedule these days where i don’t expect myself to do anything even if it feels like wasting time because otherwise they will just happened randomly. i think she might be right. so i’ll try that. but i’m worried that i won’t get the satisfaction of channeling my depth if i do it that way because i won’t be doing anything bad. i don’t know, this kind of sounds retarded when i say it but it’s how i feel. i don’t want to use the r-word but this is my anonymous spill blog so who cares. i’m sorry, i know it’s distasteful. i don’t mean it offensively,.

i am still in a weird, sad, lonely mindset but i hope it goes away soon. i do feel like i have more control now. i mean compared to a few days ago, and even more so compared to my sad ass in like 2015. i love her, but she was very sad. i feel like i have a better support system and tools to manage. and of late, no strong love interests to fuck up my life.

at best, i have some slight crushes who distract me a little bit. weird though, how when i am just trying to live and i’m not feeling attached to anyone, the people are on me like never before. like, every dude at work wants to hang out and friends of friends have been asking for my info/relationship status/sexuality/etc. i kind of like the attention but i wish it came when i was trying to hoe out and not right now, when i’m mostly romance repelling. but it makes sense, it’s mating season right now. i don’t want to partake, but it’s nice to make new friends.

i have been hanging out with girls and guys, just keeping it fun and light. i like having the freedom to do that. i’m not against fucking but my standards are higher. i want passion and poise and non-commitment. i know it’s a lot to ask so i need to manage my high sex drive while fucking less. the whole thing with francisco was such a pain in my ass i can’t even begin to describe how much it sucked, but it gave me insight into what i want. the last guy i fucked, the first one since fransisco, i had a deep connection with but he started being confusing so i cut him off fast.

anyway, i will shower now, maybe masturbate, and head to the library to catch up some and then go to work. i hope this week will be more on track. it will be as long as i don’t let the pressure of catching up stress me out and the guilt of not volunteering last week prevent me from smoothly volunteering this week. my game plan is to incorporate mindfulness/self love heavily into this week while i work on getting back on track. i need to remember that progress isn’t linear. i have been doing very well and a few bad days does not negate that. this blog helps a lot to center me even though i have to reiterate: that isn’t the intention. the intention has always been to keep a record for myself. to speak to myself in the future. it is one of the few true safe spaces for me. so if i fall apart and fall apart again i should not be afraid of “looking bad” on here. in fact, i tend to write on here more when i am bad than when i am good, because when i am good, i like to share that with people. i also share it on here sometimes, but i share bad shit more because i don’t have the same abundance of places to go with bad shit.

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seventy

i wanted to spend a little more time writing today. i have been feeling emotionally constipated and this is my prune juice sometimes. journaling has always helped me work things out, even though the goal is just emotional release. i love writing so much. i am not really passionate about anything else in the same way i am about writing. i feel like it is a sacred thing. i have fantasies, but i don’t think i could capitalize on it. i don’t want to compromise anything when it comes to my writing, and i know that it isn’t really marketable anyway. but i am taking a short story writing course with an author who i really admire. when i was in the creative writing class at community college with another author i love, she was featured at a seminar, and our class went to it. the story she read inspired me, and i have kept up with the work she’s put out since then, but it hasn’t been very much. by chance, although it wasn’t surprising because i think the published writer community in portland is fairly small, she is an instructor at this place i found that teaches writing classes to the public. i walked by the location, saw what it was all about and thought it was perfect for me since i want to learn writing techniques and things, but not invest in a degree or pursue writing like that. and i have already taken most of the arts/humanities classes my pre-health major calls for. so i am glad i am taking this class soon, and hopefully i will take more. the price of each class is high, but i emailed a director about a scholarship and i got it, so that’s nice. i get to take the class for free. i think it will be good for me. i am ready to learn, because i really suck at writing short stories. i am not expecting much beyond healthy recreation, but a small seed in me hopes that i can begin learning how to write in a way that is true to myself and worth putting out there too. i doubt that will happen, but i can dream bout it. also, i want to make friends with other writers: amateur, professional, whatever.

i have made quite a few new friends lately, and i am a little weirded out by it for some reason. i feel like i am not being a good friend because i am so self obsessed right now and i have things i want to “fix” in my life. i can’t tell if keeping up with these friendships are an aid or distraction. i know isolating myself completely would shut down a lot of opportunities that may be presented to me. successful people don’t do shit alone. they have people to study with, people to introduce them to new hobbies, jobs, events, etc. they have people to call on for help and teach them things. and a part of me is like, well i should keep the ones who can be helpful somehow and fuck the rest. but isn’t that kind of messed up? i don’t know, i guess i’m networking but it feels shitty because i am relating my interest in a person to how much they can do for me. i don’t really want to spend time or energy on people who don’t serve me somehow. and then when someone who was helpful isn’t anymore, i don’t feel inclined to stay connected. like, i went to a concert the other day with this guy who had a free ticket. he advertised his free ticket and i hit him up. we’d never met before so it was kind of sketch but i was careful about it. we went to the concert and had a good time. they were vip tickets so we even met the artist and got pictures. he’s been texting me to hang out since then but i’m not interested in seeing him again to be honest, unless he has more free tickets for concerts i want to go later on. and with school, i find a lot of other students pretty boring. but i have been making friends with students so that i can have people to study with and go to events with and stuff like that. but like, tonight my lab partner invited me to rock climbing club and i would rather be at home and chill and maybe get work done. i feel like i am giving up an opportunity to build a connection, though. i guess it’s just fomo, i don’t know. but like, i will say that when i am not in a relationship or stressing over seeing one person, my capacity to be beneficially social increases a lot. i guess it’s not all that fucked up. i mean, i’m willing to help out too when i can, and i don’t expect anything back. and i can’t be the only one who would rather be alone with a few exceptions if they didn’t need or want anything from anyone.

i feel like i am at such a sensitive period of my life right now, and i am so prone to fucking up. i’m scared. i don’t want to fall apart. i want to keep it together. i am trying to take the right steps, but my biggest hinderance is still my mind. i get lazy, discouraged, and distracted easily. i don’t make up my mind about finishing tasks and stick to it. i devote too much time to some things and not enough to others. i am inefficient and careless, even though i care a lot. it just sucks. it’s so hard to believe in myself when my bad habits have a pattern of returning like clockwork.

this is a comment on the youtube page for amy winehouse’s “tears dry on their own” music video:

How this incredibly talented, intelligent and headstrong woman could fall apart in front of everyone’s eyes still puzzles me. She saw it coming, the whole world saw it coming, and yet what can you do? But she left her mark on the music world for sure. That brutal honesty. She looked the beast right in the eye as it devoured her. RIP

therapy so far had helped with managing anxiety and surface level stuff but i don’t know how helpful it is for correcting my deeper issues at this point because i have known what they are for a while. i just can’t get over them. and i am afraid that at the end of the day, i am just a weak person who makes bad choices even though she knows they are bad choices because she doesn’t want to put in effort. she is settling for less than what she wants in life because she would rather sleep and stay disappointed than put in the work she knows she needs to in order to be successful and feel proud of herself. like, that just doesn’t make sense. right now i have things to do and i am putting them off. why? because i wanted to write. yesterday i wanted to sleep. the day before that i wanted to go buy little things for school like notebooks and a water bottle. and then i had to go to work. my point isn’t that these things are not important. i am just being ridiculous because i am putting off schoolwork to do them when really, it should be the other way around.

like ok i feel better but now i’m tired.

i am beginning to think i should make my number one priority be going to sleep early and waking up early. i find that i am infinitely more productive earlier in the day. and i have been wishing i had more morning hours to work with. the evenings are sad and they drag. i am tempted to go out whenever i am invited out at night. and i do. and it’s usually nothing all that meaningful. it’s stuff i can get into in the summer time (in moderation) but not now. i get horny at night and i get lazy. my lab t.a. said she has “witching hours” after 4pm, referring to how little work she can get done, and i was kind of surprised because obviously, she is an example of the successful student i want to be. i find that the smart people have a lot of the same limitations i do. they just know the workarounds and practice them. so yeah, waking up early is a goal. and plus, i should go to the gym in the morning because obviously i want to shower after a workout, but i don’t want to shower twice a day. i like feeling clean with nice hair throughout the day, as opposed to kind of sweaty and gross with matted hair, which tend to be my look when i shower before bed and i don’t shower in the morning. i like going to the gym at night because i feel relaxed afterward and i don’t feel that little sad thing that tells me this shit isn’t worth it, it’s too lonely, and i should just do whatever i feel and money or whatever will come out of thin air. i’m not kidding. it really says that. i believe in destiny a whole lot in the evening. point is, if i’m going to stick to this, i need an alternative to going to the gym at night that will help me feel less lonely. i don’t understand why i feel lonely at night. i yearn to end the day with a lover, which is so stupid. being with my family is nice, but it’s different, and it doesn’t help get rid of the feeling. same with my hamster haha. and i don’t know why the gym helps but it does. when i leave the gym and i’m driving home, i don’t feel lonely at all. i feel so rewarded and in love with my life. i feel proud. maybe i need to do something else that will help me feel proud, but is flexible too. like, i can assess how much effort i want to put in each day at the gym and as long as i do however much i decided, i leave feeling good. and the drive home is a joy. and i sleep well. well, after i feel sad for just a bit. the only nights where i don’t feel sad at least for a little bit is when i pass out all sloppy still in my day clothes. i understand why some people end every night drinking until they pass out. i don’t think i should do that though. there has to be something else, but what? masturbating kind of works, but then i start to fantasize too much about love and then i miss shitty people.

wow i’m a dumbass!!! i’m sitting here all confused and i realized i could definitely write before bed and it would help me build skill as well as relax and tire me out in a good way. maybe in a notebook because the screen time might make it hard to fall asleep. but like, i literally even said earlier in this post that i got tired from writing. yooo. the universe is fucking with me. i even remember thinking, when i was writing the first paragraph of this post, why am i being so sentimental about writing? like wtf. wow. okay. so yes i think i should do everything i can to wake up earlier, go to the gym in the morning, shower, go study/attend classes/etc, and basically get my things done before 3 or 4pm. then i can do whatever until around 7/8 and then i’ll get ready for bed and write or read until i’m sleepy. so now i know if i make plans to hang out with someone or want to do miscellaneous things, i should shoot for between 3-7pm. which is an appropriate window of time! i can’t believe i have never thought of a routine like this. i pray i can adjust my sleep schedule and that it doesn’t throw me off too much when i have to stay up later, like for that writing class which ends at 9 so i won’t be asleep until 10. it’ll be fine though. i’m not like, a fucking grandma lol.

ok wow. i feel really good. let’s how it plays out! i’m not expecting to be like a robot with it but i have a feeling some loose structure will be helpful. also, my academic coach suggested some strategies to prioritize homework and subjects to study. i need to be mindful about that, and make sure i do the most important and urgent shit first, and have guidelines for how long i want to spend on each assignment.

i’m gonna be so damned if i actually get decent grades this term. like wow.

my song today is wit it by gunna.

 

 

 

sixty-nine

okay so i only have like, thirty minutes to write this post because i have work and honestly, i wasn’t even going to make a post today since i usually only write on here when i have ample time to ruminate on things and sure it’s worded how i want. but it’s been a while and i haven’t had the chance to do that and i kind of have a lot to say so i don’t want to put it off anymore. point is, this post might read like a mess but just let it slide.

and today i woke feeling different. lighter, more myself. so i want to note that too.

i think it has to do with the fact that i decided to let francisco go last night. i’ve let him go many times before but this time feels different. but i mean, who knows. maybe it feeling different doesn’t mean that it is, but i know for a fact that i have never felt so sure about letting him go. i talked to my mom about it, and she’s never really had an concrete opinion on what i should do before. she’s made suggestions and offered input but not like, 100%. last night, though, she told me that if i’ve been sitting here for so long confused about whether or not he has serious intentions with me, then he doesn’t. and that ties in to something else i’ve seen, which is a tweet from abra, who is an artist who, i can tell from her music, loves very similarly to how i love. and she said something along the lines of: when someone says loves you and they mean it, it will feel like the truth. when they don’t mean it, it will feel like confusion. and he didn’t say that he loves me but he did say that he likes me and he wants to be with me, but school is in the way. he told me this right before i left for a road trip to idaho during spring break and then we had sex after. and when i was on the road trip, i was very confused, jumping from feeling loved to feeling betrayed to just feeling confused. and since then, we have tried to make plans kind of but he has the same hot and cold behavior that he’s had the whole time i’ve known him. it’s been about a year and to be honest, i have loved him more than i have loved anyone else, but it’s clear now that it isn’t meant to be. i don’t regret anything. i tried. and i don’t mind experiencing failed love at the end of the day, even though it is very painful and distracting and one of the main things that sucks about my life thus far. i feel grateful, though, that i haven’t had to hurt over bigger tragedies that other people have had to experience.

but yes, i am glad to feel this cloud lifting. i know time and distance will heal me, but because i felt so strongly, i wanted to hold out for his love, and i decided not to start the healing process until i was more confident that nothing lasting will happen between us. but now i have decided, and the window is closed, which is a sad outcome but i am glad i now know how to proceed. holding out was very painful and exhausting.

school is going okay, i guess. i am working on mental health with counseling and adhd medication. it didn’t fix everything, but it helped. i am working on rebuilding gpa, and i am meeting with an academic coach once a week at my school, and i worked on strategies with my advisor. the academic coach basically helps me incorporate better studying habits and testing strategies into my school routine. i think since i have had unmanaged adhd until recently, i don’t really have the best study/testing habits. my advisor is amazing and helped me redo the structure of what classes i should take from now until graduation and in what order so that i can focus and prevent burning out, as well as raise my gpa. i also know what steps i can take if things still get overwhelming, and i want to take lighter course loads at the expense of graduating later, which i don’t mind if it turns out that i’m struggling even with better mental health management and academic coaching. things feel doable again.

i observed a few surgeries the other day when i shadowed a perfusionist and it was basically cool as fuck. i don’t really have a lot to say other than that. i think perfusion is a cool field, and i feel even more confident that it’s what i want to do after observing the surgeries. the or was actually a chill environment even though the stakes are obviously high, and one of my strengths is feeling calm and collected in high stakes situations. i freak out over little things, but not really big things i guess. i don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but i really do feel like i would make a badass perfusionist one day.

okay i have to go soon but i also just want to mention quickly that i don’t feel like i am making progress. i feel like a piece of shit still, but i there is a new voice in me turning up her volume. i am eager to get to know her and i think she will help me do better. i love change and i feel like a change is coming. the difference now is that i kind of know what that means. it doesn’t mean that all my bad habits will die and i will be a whole new person, but the smart and mature voice that has always been in my head is getting better at holding space and making herself heard. my messiness will always be there and i like her too but i want to try to tune into my hardworking side more.

my song right now is tears dry on their own 🙂 lol

sixty-eight

thanksgiving break was weird. i spent a lot of time doing nothing and feeling bad about it. this combined with the dark weather and dread felt like watching a blurry world closing in before things came into focus and it was clearly my world, my time, my life. and it felt like this for most of the days, until i accepted the loss and did something to make myself feel better.

i slept over at ray’s wednesday and friday night because i felt so awful and i just wanted comfort. and he is comforting, i guess, but only because he’s really fake about how much cares for me. it’s nice to indulge in that fantasy once in a while but not so much that i might buy into it again.

on thanksgiving day, i just went to my aunt’s house for dinner, then my friend darron’s to hang out. we played video games and watched black mirror and the second guardians of the galaxy. it was chill. darron’s really nice. i  like his personality a lot, and he’s hella attractive. he’s very subtly flirty at times, but i’m not looking for anything at all right now. not even someone to hook up with. so i don’t flirt back. but he still texts me and invites me to hang out, so i think he genuinely wants to be friends, which is nice. besides having a shitty view on the decency of guys in general, i’m even more disinclined in  darron’s case because he’s been involved with two of our mutual friends, like sexually, and it seems like he’s starting to get serious with one of them to the massive discontent of the other. so yeah, i’m not trying to get involved in that mess at all.

saturday was a big day of nothing. more dread and anger, until i gave up and played board games with zac. and then megan came over and we all played board games.

yesterday, sunday afternoon, i was fed up so i took an adderall to see if it would make a difference, and it did. i got some chemistry homework done. i didn’t take any the other days because i guess i was afraid it would make me feel worse. sometimes the comedown feels pretty bad. but i think i should stick to taking it consistently.

today wasn’t too bad. i woke up later than i wanted to but still early and made a banana avacado and mango smoothie. it was so good. i got ready for school then drove to the max stop. while waiting for the max, i scheduled my diagnosis appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. i had been looking for a psychiatrist but none of the ones who took my insurance were accepting new patients. so i called my family doctor and she said an np would be ok. i’m a little nervous because what if it turns out i don’t have adhd? the adderall is obviously helpful so it would suck if i couldn’t keep taking it.

i took an adderall. i read the sympathizer on the max and went to chemistry lecture, which was pretty interesting today because it was on nuclear chemistry and radioactive decay. i went to the chemistry tutor room and completed the online lab that’s due tomorrow. i took another adderall. i read the sympathizer on the way home. i fucked around for a while at home. i went to the gym. i did stairmaster and worked on shoulders and triceps. i showered at the gym. i went home. i ate dinner. i folded laundry. and now here i am.

i still could have done more today for sure, but i’m pretty happy with what i did. i want to keep it up. but i really think the only way i can is if i lay low and just do my thing, day by day. because if i have too much fun or whatever, i will not want to stick to any sort of healthy productive routine. it would seem very boring in comparison to my other options, even though it’s the best thing for me right now. when i am a little more disciplined, i will try to be more outgoing. but honestly, i don’t think i could be a social butterfly right now even if i wanted to. i did it in the summer, but lately i have been more introverted despite feeling lonely. i don’t want to go out with just whoever, like i do when i’m vibrant. i’m more selective about who i want to be around right now.

being in my own company all the time is weird though. sometimes i feel like such a weirdo and since no one is around for me to ask “does anyone else….”, i think i’m stranger than i am. i am pretty strange, though. that’s okay.

 

sixty-seven

biking by frank ocean is such a pretty song. i fell in love with it when i heard the line when’s the last time i asked for some help that i couldn’t get from nobody else? i like how he sings it. and apparently the song is about how life is cyclic, but at the same time always moving forward, like a bicycle. i never thought about it like that before. just cool. thinking about it in that way helps me feel more at ease and less frustrated about how i can never truly get rid of myself and become this ideal new version of me i wanted to be. i guess i am starting to see how acceptance is necessary for progress and growth. and it’s comforting to realize that having a hard time doesn’t mean that my life is stuck. i am moving forward still. sometimes fast, sometimes slow, i guess, but always moving forward still.

i am hopeful about school again, even though this term is rough still. i’m not like transformed or anything, but i have definitely made progress. i am motivated, i eat better, i exercise, i am slowly getting a grip on how to be a student (my exam scores have been improving, i get from professors and tutors, i now have accommodations that help a lot), i am working on my mental health by going to therapy and taking adhd medication. i still need to get evaluated by a psychiatrist for adhd, but my doctor prescribed me some adderall for the time being because she said i have the main symptoms. i take two 10 mg pills a day and it kind of makes me shaky but i do focus so much better and time doesn’t drag by like it usually inexplicably does when i have to study.

i’m so dead because three years ago, around this time of year, hannah and i took adderall recreationally and went to a high school basketball game because i was assigned to report on it for newspaper and i was so focused and able to get it done despite having zero interest in basketball. we snorted it though, so the buzzing effects were really strong. i actually wrote about it on this blog. cycles, man.

i just wish i realized a lot of things earlier and it makes me angry that the people who i turned to for help when i was younger didn’t really take me seriously. the message gets clearer as i get older that i need to advocate for myself and hold myself accountable. but it’s just like, i was young and very lost, and i was clearly struggling. skipping school, breaking down in class, breaking down at family dinners. and all i remember getting from people was either discomfort or disappointment. i just didn’t feel like anyone believed that i was anything more than careless and lazy. so then i didn’t believe it.

shades of blue by kelsey lu catches my current sadness well, relevant for all the shittinesses, from my feelings toward my my past loves to the anger i described earlier. francisco, by the way, invited me to come over again after our last interaction and i told him to fuck off basically. i wanted to have a low-key, emotionally and sexually tense nonrelationship with him so bad but he can’t even be a decent fuckbuddy.

i have become more introverted lately and more easily irritated by people. but i’m not really worried about it. i deleted social media and have a handful of people that i keep in touch with. i’m just hyperaware of people’s fake-ness right now and it’s kind of unbearable to be around. like what is the point, asshole.

lust for life by girls and reborn by kids see ghosts are some other songs i like right now.

i started reading the sympathizer by viet thanh nguyen and listening to sharp objects by gillian flynn on the way to school. i just feel like i should start reading again. i got the audiobook for sharp objects because it was free with my audible trial, but i don’t know if i like audiobooks at all. i really prefer seeing the words. like, i always prefer watching movies with subtitles too.

sixty-six

ok so let me talk about my actual life for a minute.

i’m scared. i am very scared of fucking everything up and falling into old habits and patterns and ruining my life again. except if i think about it, i haven’t even ruined my life. i have a low gpa but honestly that is it. all the anxiety and depression and shit has made me a person with a past, and a special kind of compassion. i have depth and an engaging joie de vivre. lmaoooooo fuck

ok no but seriously, like lately, i have been feeling like utter shit again. and i just felt heavy and unable. i still kind of do. and some familiar parts of me were like, oh shit here it is again. this paralyzing depression is back and better armed to ruin my life again . and i don’t know how to stop it. i’m just going to have to let it ruin me and make me feel like shit for no reason and i’m going to fail my classes and there is no point for me to stay in school and god, i can’t believe i’m like this why am i not grateful

but then i realized it’s all about guilt. i carry guilt. and then shame and embarrassment. it is something i have considered before but i ruled out because i didn’t realize how i may have been carrying guilt. because i haven’t consciously done anything really unforgivably bad, i guess. but i realized that i carry a lot of guilt because my family (mostly my mom and grandma and aunt who died, but also my dad in his own way) work(ed) really fucking hard and they are not rich, but they invest(ed) a lot of money in me. a lot more than many of my friends’ families. we are working class, but they bought me a nice car, they are paying for my education, and basically are taking care of me in every way. all they want in return is for me to be successful in school and have money later on. and honestly, by taking the money and living for free and shit, i am agreeing to the deal without saying a word. and the guilt of lying about how successful i think i will be feels pretty shitty.

i’m not even lying. i am trying my very best with school.  i just don’t feel like i’m good enough. like i’m not actually , like truly trying hard enough. i’m not pushing my limits. it’s a scary feeling. i don’t want to carry around so much guilt. i am trying to be more honest with my mom when i experience setbacks and so far, she responds well and makes me feel better and not like a failure.

i would like to move out. because it would make me the miss independent i want to be but can’t while i am still living with my parents. even though i’m 19 and it’s not that weird to live at home. it just feels really ridiculous for me to be here for some reason. i think my sense of purpose and confidence and just how i view myself would be a lot better, and i would be more motivated. also i am tired of my home environment for real. my dad is so fucking irritating and a man child. i don’t know how my mom puts up with him. i want out. i want a studio. i talked to my mom and she said she would support me moving out in a year if i started to work and save now and was able to gracefully handle school/work/extra things while living at home. i think that is fair.

i just need my own identity right now. but what my mom and grandma think will always matter a whole fucking lot to me. i don’t care if that’s weird. it’s my truth. my grandma supports me moving out. she doesn’t really care. probably because she’s about to make a shit ton of money selling a house in vietnam and she’s going to give me some. i am still going to work though because that money will be precious money like the money my aunt left me and i’m not really trying to spend it on this dumb shit. she thinks i have my shit together, but she still calls me all the time because she’s constantly worried because of my falling off period in high school.

i skipped class yesterday and today to do homework and i didn’t do shit. i hate myself but i felt so discouraged that the feeling hit me again and i just spent two whole days hating myself and staring off into space in the library, and at family dinner. but then i took a hike and i ran because i got the strongest urge to not walk anymore and i felt connected to the world again and i took my grandma shopping and she was so happy and i realized my depression came from guilt and i’m gonna come back. i am going to come back.

please believe in me.

sixty-five

oh my god i am so tired of feeling SO much for francisco for literally no reason. it is over! he does not care, he does not. but i just can’t stop thinking about him lmao. i care about him so much. it’s honestly sickening.

so a few days after i cut him off impulsively, he texted me “i miss you” out of the blue. we made plans to talk. the day we were supposed to talk he dipped out to eugene without letting me know that we needed to reschedule or anything. i was annoyed so i blocked him on social media. then he hit me up after he got back and i didn’t respond. then he hit me up again like three days later and i turned him down. same thing happened the next day. i was still mad lmao. then i couldn’t stop thinking about how he probably thought i wanted a relationship based off where we left things, which isn’t true because like i said, relationship stress affects me hella. but i didn’t want to be the only one with feelings. and if he didn’t have any sort of feelings, why tf would he keep bothering me and doing out of line shit? is the sex really worth it? like, he is cute asf…i’m sure he has hoes to keep him busy if it was just about sex. so that weekend, which was last weekend, i asked if he could talk because i finally kind of got over being mad. he said yes and told me to come over, and literally while i was on my way he asked if we could “do this tomorrow” because he was “about to go eat”. i actually laughed because how ridiculous. even if he did not give a flying fuck about me, wouldn’t he have wanted to just get it over with? so then i just told him through text “i’m not trying to make plans anymore. i just wanted to say that i liked you, i’m also not in the position for anything more than what we had. i just wanted to know if you felt the same way i did. sorry but if you didn’t then you should not have reached out after i ended things.”

he just said “i’m sorry.”

i hate my generation, i really do.

i want to start working again and move out but we’ll see.

 

sixty-four

my podcast is going well.  its purpose is pretty similar to this blog: documenting my perception at the time of recording. just for the sake of it, to be honest. it’s less personal and i’m much more public about it, but i’m not trying to promote it too much or make it super listener-friendly. it’s just a raw cut of about 30 minutes to an hour long conversations with my friends, or by myself.

i am making progress doing school and managing the anxiety related to it. i recognize and celebrate my moves forward but also take note of the aspects i am still stuck on. so it’s going alright, i am proud of myself but am also kind of afraid of letting myself go and falling back into my old habits of not giving a fuck and then extreme worry/dread. but i think that’s just how growth tends to feel for me. like, i believe the depression stage i had in high school is pretty much dead at this point, but the process of moving out of that included the recurrent fear of falling back, until i was confident it was behind me.

i do feel like i am not doing enough, since i am not working/volunteering/etc. but i am trying to remind myself i am kind of building myself from square one right now, and i should wait at least until next term to add responsibilities.

my social life is chill right now, i only make plans on the weekend for the most part, and my friends have actually been pretty accommodating as far as that goes. i haven’t felt lonely yet. i only make plans to go to the gym during weekdays. except yesterday riley invited me to see hell fest and i went because he had a free ticket haha. i know that some friendships will fade out because i’m not available all the time, but i think it will be okay.

i met a girl at francisco’s party and we hung out on saturday. she is obviously interested in me but i am not really feeling it like that. i hope we can stay friends though.

i am trying to accept the end of francisco’s presence in my life, but that truth is that i still like him a lot. i can love from a distance though. and against my better judgment, i believe he is loving me from a distance. i know i’m an idiot, but whatever. it’s pointless for me to pretend i don’t have feelings. at least i am not acting on them because i know i won’t receive reciprocity. yes, i believe he can genuinely like me and not be willing to do anything about it. that’s how much i like him. ugh.

i am also trying to retain the new parts of me that i discovered this summer. i am perceptive and loving at my best. those qualities are my strengths, and they are always present in me, even when i feel like the lesser versions of myself. i also try to remind myself that i am currently going through a trying/demanding/challenging part of my life right now, but the outcome will be hella abundance. and isn’t that what i have always been about? just like, being a lot.

sixty-three

i drank a lot of coffee this morning and i just made myself orgasm so i am very clear headed right now. i have a lot of things to do today but i wanted to quickly write an update. i believe that constant reflection is very necessary for me to stay motivated and in tune with myself. that reflection and analyzation could be talking to friends and family though. it doesn’t mean i will write on here more or less frequently.

school started and i feel pretty good so far. it will be tough for sure, but i am in a better place mentally than i have been in a long time. i understand my goals and i believe in myself. i recognize fuck shit easily and i genuinely want the best for myself. i can separate my anxiety from my self and i have learned little life hacks like keeping a planner and being early to everything which helps a lot. i do get tired and i know i have a tendency to procrastinate but i am trying to remind myself i am human. but i can beat my bad habits. i have the capacity to. i have been keeping up with my work and trying very hard.

therapy has helped a lot. and so have a lot people i’ve connected with these past few months to be honest. i am thankful for all of the lessons. my mom and i have been having a lot of insightful conversations lately and i really like our relationship right now. i am turning into my mother in some ways and i am not upset about that at all. i remember wishing i was as strong and resilient as her when i was younger and i am finally feeling the seeds of her strength being watered in me. i am grateful.

i am leaving a lot in the summer. mary, for one, is a friend who i will always love but i have realized drags me down. she needs help, like for real, and in a way where she needs to seek it out for herself and work hard to progress. but i don’t think she really wants to improve right now. she actually cut me off, because of jealousy (kash likes me), and normally i would try to mend things but i’m gonna just let her go because i don’t need the bad influence if i’m being honest.

i am also leaving behind drugs and alcohol for a while. i understand that it is easy to pick up a habit, especially since my dad is an alcoholic, and become dependent. although i enjoy the experiences, i wanna prove to myself i can be sober if i want to. i’ve done it before, so it shouldn’t be a problem. i want to abstain for at least three months.

i cut off francisco after i got drunk at his party last weekend (the weekend before school started), and told him i like him. it was embarrassing. he said “i thought you don’t want a relationship.” i said, “i don’t…i don’t know.” he apologized and said he can’t right now because he has a lot going on, like school and work and army and family shit. i said i understand.

then for reasons unknown to me, he hit me up saying he feels bad and we should talk about it, but i had class early the next day. he texted me the following night, but i was asleep. then the night after that, aka last night, he was working on a lab report when i hit him up. i had so much anxiety and i just wanted to be rid of it, so i told him “i don’t even wanna talk anymore i just wanna be done and you don’t have to feel bad for anything.” so yeah. i cut him off over text, which is kind of shitty but he was really acting like i’m nothing to him so it’s whatever. like, i said “let me know when we can talk because this situation is keeping me from moving forward”, and this man just said “okay!”………like…….

i also have too much pride to keep showing my heart to someone who does not actively cherish my affection. so it is what it is. i believe i did the right thing. with francisco, i am going with my gut and trusting my instincts, not emotions, because there is underlying intention in everything i am doing, even if i don’t fully understand at first. this is partly why i believe we are spiritually attached. he always comes back to me. and if he doesn’t this time, then whatever. i don’t have time to raise men. i only want him if he’s gonna act right.

i don’t mean to fight my emotions, but they do not control me. i accept them, but i also realize i am more than them. that goes for everything: school, love life, friendships, everything.

 

sixty-two

can my life stop being so anxiety inducing?  just kidding, i kind of like the excitement. i don’t know why i’m like this. i don’t love negativity and drama, but i like excitement, and i’m willing to risk a lot to just have a good story to tell. and i don’t even tell anyone sometimes. i want to live!

these past few days i have been beating my brain trying to decipher whether francisco likes me or not. on monday night, i slept over for the second time at his new house. i helped him decorate his new room and we listened to music. and we cuddled waiting for the lava lamp he found to heat up, and he made us eggs lol. then we gave each other massages, had sex, and went to sleep. i know he’s very tired by how quickly he falls asleep. and he always has these muscle spasms that are a little freaky. i couldn’t fall asleep that night but i was just dying on the inside because i realized i don’t really want to be acting like we’re together when it’s not official and then embarrass myself by assuming that he had feelings for me.

last night, marvin’s twin brother kash, who’s a rapper and is involved with the collective tarik was in, invited me to his birthday kickback. two nights ago, we were both at marvin’s birthday dinner. he talks to mary a lot more than me, so i assumed he’d invited her too, but she didn’t know what i was talking about when i asked her if she was going. i asked kash if she could come, and he was cool with it, but it took some convincing because she was butthurt he didn’t invite her to begin with. mary is my comfort person in social situations, so i wanted her to go, but honestly i could kind of tell kash didn’t really want her there because she’s such a horndog around him. kash is pretty cute.

i wanted to contribute some alcohol, so i asked francisco, who just turned 21, if he could buy some for us. he agreed and i was so nervous because mary was finally going to meet him. we picked him up, went to a 7/11, he got a six pack, i paid him back, and dropped him off. it took less than 15 minutes, he was in the backseat, and we barely talked, but mary said there was a definite tension. so i’m not crazy. and i swear i felt his presence coming to my car before i heard the door open. riley and my therapist also told me he definitely likes me. i don’t know how they’re so sure when the signals are literally a mixed bag.

anyway, kash’s thing was very small, maybe eight people including mary and me. everyone was on their way to getting fucked up when we arrived. there was a bottle of hennessy with a xanax bar dissolved in it. i sipped. there was coke and weed and everclear, which i took a sip of and then regretted doing so immediately. kash was on everything, but he seemed fine. before we got there, mary “claimed” him but then said she was going to go after this other dude after we arrived. i was turned on, but i wasn’t making any moves really. as the night went on, kash started to just move closer to me, and like touch my leg and stuff. mary death glared me even though she was flirting with the other guy. i didn’t really care. she was annoying for that. i don’t even like him like that, i was just horny but he was too gone to fuck anyway.

we stayed there until like 4:30. i napped a little. kash wanted us to stay longer, but i was sober and wanted to go home. during the drive, mary, who did a line and was also pretty drunk, finally opened up about her insecurities and how she feels when guy prefer me over her. i felt bad for her because i understand where she’s coming from. guys often don’t go for bigger girls like her. at least not the guys she likes. but i don’t think it has anything to do with me, or that i need to change anything about myself. i do want to support her more though, and encourage her to move away from basing her self worth in the opinions of others, especially the guys she falls for.

kash put mary and i on the guest list for his show tonight, but i don’t know if i will go. it’s supposed to be kind of big and a lot of tarik’s friends will be there. tarik might even be there, and i don’t really want any drama from that or from mary getting on my case for probably fooling around with kash. plus, francisco invited me to his party tomorrow and i’ve been dying to go to that so i don’t really care about tonight.

i feel like after tomorrow night, i will know what i need to do with the francisco situation. if he flirts with other girls, it’s an automatic goodbye from me. if he is obviously into me, then i will reciprocate the energy and hope he asks me out either that night or sometime soon. if he doesn’t acknowlege me much, i will probably begin to wean myself off of him. my intuition tells me scenario number two will play out but i am trying really hard not to get my hopes up. but i just have a feeling. and today, when i was driving home from therapy, my daily mix played don’t let me down by sabrina claudio then face by brockhampton. also all the tarot card readings on youtube are on point, something along the lines of someone loving me but being closed off, and how we have an existing relationship and both want more, but are afraid. i’m gonna be really sad at the universe if it sends me all these signs and then tomorrow night is disappointing.

i need something to happen soon though, because i need to move on if it’s not going to happen. i have been aching for him so much and i don’t want to feel foolish for having feelings for him anymore. and i know i’m not trying to date right now but francisco has lowkey always been an exception. i think i even said that in an earlier post.