drinking drugs, yo

sixty-eight

thanksgiving break was weird. i spent a lot of time doing nothing and feeling bad about it. this combined with the dark weather and dread felt like watching a blurry world closing in before things came into focus and it was clearly my world, my time, my life. and it felt like this for most of the days, until i accepted the loss and did something to make myself feel better.

i slept over at ray’s wednesday and friday night because i felt so awful and i just wanted comfort. and he is comforting, i guess, but only because he’s really fake about how much cares for me. it’s nice to indulge in that fantasy once in a while but not so much that i might buy into it again.

on thanksgiving day, i just went to my aunt’s house for dinner, then my friend darron’s to hang out. we played video games and watched black mirror and the second guardians of the galaxy. it was chill. darron’s really nice. i  like his personality a lot, and he’s hella attractive. he’s very subtly flirty at times, but i’m not looking for anything at all right now. not even someone to hook up with. so i don’t flirt back. but he still texts me and invites me to hang out, so i think he genuinely wants to be friends, which is nice. besides having a shitty view on the decency of guys in general, i’m even more disinclined in  darron’s case because he’s been involved with two of our mutual friends, like sexually, and it seems like he’s starting to get serious with one of them to the massive discontent of the other. so yeah, i’m not trying to get involved in that mess at all.

saturday was a big day of nothing. more dread and anger, until i gave up and played board games with zac. and then megan came over and we all played board games.

yesterday, sunday afternoon, i was fed up so i took an adderall to see if it would make a difference, and it did. i got some chemistry homework done. i didn’t take any the other days because i guess i was afraid it would make me feel worse. sometimes the comedown feels pretty bad. but i think i should stick to taking it consistently.

today wasn’t too bad. i woke up later than i wanted to but still early and made a banana avacado and mango smoothie. it was so good. i got ready for school then drove to the max stop. while waiting for the max, i scheduled my diagnosis appointment with a psychiatric nurse practitioner. i had been looking for a psychiatrist but none of the ones who took my insurance were accepting new patients. so i called my family doctor and she said an np would be ok. i’m a little nervous because what if it turns out i don’t have adhd? the adderall is obviously helpful so it would suck if i couldn’t keep taking it.

i took an adderall. i read the sympathizer on the max and went to chemistry lecture, which was pretty interesting today because it was on nuclear chemistry and radioactive decay. i went to the chemistry tutor room and completed the online lab that’s due tomorrow. i took another adderall. i read the sympathizer on the way home. i fucked around for a while at home. i went to the gym. i did stairmaster and worked on shoulders and triceps. i showered at the gym. i went home. i ate dinner. i folded laundry. and now here i am.

i still could have done more today for sure, but i’m pretty happy with what i did. i want to keep it up. but i really think the only way i can is if i lay low and just do my thing, day by day. because if i have too much fun or whatever, i will not want to stick to any sort of healthy productive routine. it would seem very boring in comparison to my other options, even though it’s the best thing for me right now. when i am a little more disciplined, i will try to be more outgoing. but honestly, i don’t think i could be a social butterfly right now even if i wanted to. i did it in the summer, but lately i have been more introverted despite feeling lonely. i don’t want to go out with just whoever, like i do when i’m vibrant. i’m more selective about who i want to be around right now.

being in my own company all the time is weird though. sometimes i feel like such a weirdo and since no one is around for me to ask “does anyone else….”, i think i’m stranger than i am. i am pretty strange, though. that’s okay.

 

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sixty-seven

biking by frank ocean is such a pretty song. i fell in love with it when i heard the line when’s the last time i asked for some help that i couldn’t get from nobody else? i like how he sings it. and apparently the song is about how life is cyclic, but at the same time always moving forward, like a bicycle. i never thought about it like that before. just cool. thinking about it in that way helps me feel more at ease and less frustrated about how i can never truly get rid of myself and become this ideal new version of me i wanted to be. i guess i am starting to see how acceptance is necessary for progress and growth. and it’s comforting to realize that having a hard time doesn’t mean that my life is stuck. i am moving forward still. sometimes fast, sometimes slow, i guess, but always moving forward still.

i am hopeful about school again, even though this term is rough still. i’m not like transformed or anything, but i have definitely made progress. i am motivated, i eat better, i exercise, i am slowly getting a grip on how to be a student (my exam scores have been improving, i get from professors and tutors, i now have accommodations that help a lot), i am working on my mental health by going to therapy and taking adhd medication. i still need to get evaluated by a psychiatrist for adhd, but my doctor prescribed me some adderall for the time being because she said i have the main symptoms. i take two 10 mg pills a day and it kind of makes me shaky but i do focus so much better and time doesn’t drag by like it usually inexplicably does when i have to study.

i’m so dead because three years ago, around this time of year, hannah and i took adderall recreationally and went to a high school basketball game because i was assigned to report on it for newspaper and i was so focused and able to get it done despite having zero interest in basketball. we snorted it though, so the buzzing effects were really strong. i actually wrote about it on this blog. cycles, man.

i just wish i realized a lot of things earlier and it makes me angry that the people who i turned to for help when i was younger didn’t really take me seriously. the message gets clearer as i get older that i need to advocate for myself and hold myself accountable. but it’s just like, i was young and very lost, and i was clearly struggling. skipping school, breaking down in class, breaking down at family dinners. and all i remember getting from people was either discomfort or disappointment. i just didn’t feel like anyone believed that i was anything more than careless and lazy. so then i didn’t believe it.

shades of blue by kelsey lu catches my current sadness well, relevant for all the shittinesses, from my feelings toward my my past loves to the anger i described earlier. francisco, by the way, invited me to come over again after our last interaction and i told him to fuck off basically. i wanted to have a low-key, emotionally and sexually tense nonrelationship with him so bad but he can’t even be a decent fuckbuddy.

i have become more introverted lately and more easily irritated by people. but i’m not really worried about it. i deleted social media and have a handful of people that i keep in touch with. i’m just hyperaware of people’s fake-ness right now and it’s kind of unbearable to be around. like what is the point, asshole.

lust for life by girls and reborn by kids see ghosts are some other songs i like right now.

i started reading the sympathizer by viet thanh nguyen and listening to sharp objects by gillian flynn on the way to school. i just feel like i should start reading again. i got the audiobook for sharp objects because it was free with my audible trial, but i don’t know if i like audiobooks at all. i really prefer seeing the words. like, i always prefer watching movies with subtitles too.

sixty-six

ok so let me talk about my actual life for a minute.

i’m scared. i am very scared of fucking everything up and falling into old habits and patterns and ruining my life again. except if i think about it, i haven’t even ruined my life. i have a low gpa but honestly that is it. all the anxiety and depression and shit has made me a person with a past, and a special kind of compassion. i have depth and an engaging joie de vivre. lmaoooooo fuck

ok no but seriously, like lately, i have been feeling like utter shit again. and i just felt heavy and unable. i still kind of do. and some familiar parts of me were like, oh shit here it is again. this paralyzing depression is back and better armed to ruin my life again . and i don’t know how to stop it. i’m just going to have to let it ruin me and make me feel like shit for no reason and i’m going to fail my classes and there is no point for me to stay in school and god, i can’t believe i’m like this why am i not grateful

but then i realized it’s all about guilt. i carry guilt. and then shame and embarrassment. it is something i have considered before but i ruled out because i didn’t realize how i may have been carrying guilt. because i haven’t consciously done anything really unforgivably bad, i guess. but i realized that i carry a lot of guilt because my family (mostly my mom and grandma and aunt who died, but also my dad in his own way) work(ed) really fucking hard and they are not rich, but they invest(ed) a lot of money in me. a lot more than many of my friends’ families. we are working class, but they bought me a nice car, they are paying for my education, and basically are taking care of me in every way. all they want in return is for me to be successful in school and have money later on. and honestly, by taking the money and living for free and shit, i am agreeing to the deal without saying a word. and the guilt of lying about how successful i think i will be feels pretty shitty.

i’m not even lying. i am trying my very best with school.  i just don’t feel like i’m good enough. like i’m not actually , like truly trying hard enough. i’m not pushing my limits. it’s a scary feeling. i don’t want to carry around so much guilt. i am trying to be more honest with my mom when i experience setbacks and so far, she responds well and makes me feel better and not like a failure.

i would like to move out. because it would make me the miss independent i want to be but can’t while i am still living with my parents. even though i’m 19 and it’s not that weird to live at home. it just feels really ridiculous for me to be here for some reason. i think my sense of purpose and confidence and just how i view myself would be a lot better, and i would be more motivated. also i am tired of my home environment for real. my dad is so fucking irritating and a man child. i don’t know how my mom puts up with him. i want out. i want a studio. i talked to my mom and she said she would support me moving out in a year if i started to work and save now and was able to gracefully handle school/work/extra things while living at home. i think that is fair.

i just need my own identity right now. but what my mom and grandma think will always matter a whole fucking lot to me. i don’t care if that’s weird. it’s my truth. my grandma supports me moving out. she doesn’t really care. probably because she’s about to make a shit ton of money selling a house in vietnam and she’s going to give me some. i am still going to work though because that money will be precious money like the money my aunt left me and i’m not really trying to spend it on this dumb shit. she thinks i have my shit together, but she still calls me all the time because she’s constantly worried because of my falling off period in high school.

i skipped class yesterday and today to do homework and i didn’t do shit. i hate myself but i felt so discouraged that the feeling hit me again and i just spent two whole days hating myself and staring off into space in the library, and at family dinner. but then i took a hike and i ran because i got the strongest urge to not walk anymore and i felt connected to the world again and i took my grandma shopping and she was so happy and i realized my depression came from guilt and i’m gonna come back. i am going to come back.

please believe in me.

sixty-five

oh my god i am so tired of feeling SO much for francisco for literally no reason. it is over! he does not care, he does not. but i just can’t stop thinking about him lmao. i care about him so much. it’s honestly sickening.

so a few days after i cut him off impulsively, he texted me “i miss you” out of the blue. we made plans to talk. the day we were supposed to talk he dipped out to eugene without letting me know that we needed to reschedule or anything. i was annoyed so i blocked him on social media. then he hit me up after he got back and i didn’t respond. then he hit me up again like three days later and i turned him down. same thing happened the next day. i was still mad lmao. then i couldn’t stop thinking about how he probably thought i wanted a relationship based off where we left things, which isn’t true because like i said, relationship stress affects me hella. but i didn’t want to be the only one with feelings. and if he didn’t have any sort of feelings, why tf would he keep bothering me and doing out of line shit? is the sex really worth it? like, he is cute asf…i’m sure he has hoes to keep him busy if it was just about sex. so that weekend, which was last weekend, i asked if he could talk because i finally kind of got over being mad. he said yes and told me to come over, and literally while i was on my way he asked if we could “do this tomorrow” because he was “about to go eat”. i actually laughed because how ridiculous. even if he did not give a flying fuck about me, wouldn’t he have wanted to just get it over with? so then i just told him through text “i’m not trying to make plans anymore. i just wanted to say that i liked you, i’m also not in the position for anything more than what we had. i just wanted to know if you felt the same way i did. sorry but if you didn’t then you should not have reached out after i ended things.”

he just said “i’m sorry.”

i hate my generation, i really do.

i want to start working again and move out but we’ll see.

 

sixty-four

my podcast is going well.  its purpose is pretty similar to this blog: documenting my perception at the time of recording. just for the sake of it, to be honest. it’s less personal and i’m much more public about it, but i’m not trying to promote it too much or make it super listener-friendly. it’s just a raw cut of about 30 minutes to an hour long conversations with my friends, or by myself.

i am making progress doing school and managing the anxiety related to it. i recognize and celebrate my moves forward but also take note of the aspects i am still stuck on. so it’s going alright, i am proud of myself but am also kind of afraid of letting myself go and falling back into my old habits of not giving a fuck and then extreme worry/dread. but i think that’s just how growth tends to feel for me. like, i believe the depression stage i had in high school is pretty much dead at this point, but the process of moving out of that included the recurrent fear of falling back, until i was confident it was behind me.

i do feel like i am not doing enough, since i am not working/volunteering/etc. but i am trying to remind myself i am kind of building myself from square one right now, and i should wait at least until next term to add responsibilities.

my social life is chill right now, i only make plans on the weekend for the most part, and my friends have actually been pretty accommodating as far as that goes. i haven’t felt lonely yet. i only make plans to go to the gym during weekdays. except yesterday riley invited me to see hell fest and i went because he had a free ticket haha. i know that some friendships will fade out because i’m not available all the time, but i think it will be okay.

i met a girl at francisco’s party and we hung out on saturday. she is obviously interested in me but i am not really feeling it like that. i hope we can stay friends though.

i am trying to accept the end of francisco’s presence in my life, but that truth is that i still like him a lot. i can love from a distance though. and against my better judgment, i believe he is loving me from a distance. i know i’m an idiot, but whatever. it’s pointless for me to pretend i don’t have feelings. at least i am not acting on them because i know i won’t receive reciprocity. yes, i believe he can genuinely like me and not be willing to do anything about it. that’s how much i like him. ugh.

i am also trying to retain the new parts of me that i discovered this summer. i am perceptive and loving at my best. those qualities are my strengths, and they are always present in me, even when i feel like the lesser versions of myself. i also try to remind myself that i am currently going through a trying/demanding/challenging part of my life right now, but the outcome will be hella abundance. and isn’t that what i have always been about? just like, being a lot.

sixty-three

i drank a lot of coffee this morning and i just made myself orgasm so i am very clear headed right now. i have a lot of things to do today but i wanted to quickly write an update. i believe that constant reflection is very necessary for me to stay motivated and in tune with myself. that reflection and analyzation could be talking to friends and family though. it doesn’t mean i will write on here more or less frequently.

school started and i feel pretty good so far. it will be tough for sure, but i am in a better place mentally than i have been in a long time. i understand my goals and i believe in myself. i recognize fuck shit easily and i genuinely want the best for myself. i can separate my anxiety from my self and i have learned little life hacks like keeping a planner and being early to everything which helps a lot. i do get tired and i know i have a tendency to procrastinate but i am trying to remind myself i am human. but i can beat my bad habits. i have the capacity to. i have been keeping up with my work and trying very hard.

therapy has helped a lot. and so have a lot people i’ve connected with these past few months to be honest. i am thankful for all of the lessons. my mom and i have been having a lot of insightful conversations lately and i really like our relationship right now. i am turning into my mother in some ways and i am not upset about that at all. i remember wishing i was as strong and resilient as her when i was younger and i am finally feeling the seeds of her strength being watered in me. i am grateful.

i am leaving a lot in the summer. mary, for one, is a friend who i will always love but i have realized drags me down. she needs help, like for real, and in a way where she needs to seek it out for herself and work hard to progress. but i don’t think she really wants to improve right now. she actually cut me off, because of jealousy (kash likes me), and normally i would try to mend things but i’m gonna just let her go because i don’t need the bad influence if i’m being honest.

i am also leaving behind drugs and alcohol for a while. i understand that it is easy to pick up a habit, especially since my dad is an alcoholic, and become dependent. although i enjoy the experiences, i wanna prove to myself i can be sober if i want to. i’ve done it before, so it shouldn’t be a problem. i want to abstain for at least three months.

i cut off francisco after i got drunk at his party last weekend (the weekend before school started), and told him i like him. it was embarrassing. he said “i thought you don’t want a relationship.” i said, “i don’t…i don’t know.” he apologized and said he can’t right now because he has a lot going on, like school and work and army and family shit. i said i understand.

then for reasons unknown to me, he hit me up saying he feels bad and we should talk about it, but i had class early the next day. he texted me the following night, but i was asleep. then the night after that, aka last night, he was working on a lab report when i hit him up. i had so much anxiety and i just wanted to be rid of it, so i told him “i don’t even wanna talk anymore i just wanna be done and you don’t have to feel bad for anything.” so yeah. i cut him off over text, which is kind of shitty but he was really acting like i’m nothing to him so it’s whatever. like, i said “let me know when we can talk because this situation is keeping me from moving forward”, and this man just said “okay!”………like…….

i also have too much pride to keep showing my heart to someone who does not actively cherish my affection. so it is what it is. i believe i did the right thing. with francisco, i am going with my gut and trusting my instincts, not emotions, because there is underlying intention in everything i am doing, even if i don’t fully understand at first. this is partly why i believe we are spiritually attached. he always comes back to me. and if he doesn’t this time, then whatever. i don’t have time to raise men. i only want him if he’s gonna act right.

i don’t mean to fight my emotions, but they do not control me. i accept them, but i also realize i am more than them. that goes for everything: school, love life, friendships, everything.

 

sixty-two

can my life stop being so anxiety inducing?  just kidding, i kind of like the excitement. i don’t know why i’m like this. i don’t love negativity and drama, but i like excitement, and i’m willing to risk a lot to just have a good story to tell. and i don’t even tell anyone sometimes. i want to live!

these past few days i have been beating my brain trying to decipher whether francisco likes me or not. on monday night, i slept over for the second time at his new house. i helped him decorate his new room and we listened to music. and we cuddled waiting for the lava lamp he found to heat up, and he made us eggs lol. then we gave each other massages, had sex, and went to sleep. i know he’s very tired by how quickly he falls asleep. and he always has these muscle spasms that are a little freaky. i couldn’t fall asleep that night but i was just dying on the inside because i realized i don’t really want to be acting like we’re together when it’s not official and then embarrass myself by assuming that he had feelings for me.

last night, marvin’s twin brother kash, who’s a rapper and is involved with the collective tarik was in, invited me to his birthday kickback. two nights ago, we were both at marvin’s birthday dinner. he talks to mary a lot more than me, so i assumed he’d invited her too, but she didn’t know what i was talking about when i asked her if she was going. i asked kash if she could come, and he was cool with it, but it took some convincing because she was butthurt he didn’t invite her to begin with. mary is my comfort person in social situations, so i wanted her to go, but honestly i could kind of tell kash didn’t really want her there because she’s such a horndog around him. kash is pretty cute.

i wanted to contribute some alcohol, so i asked francisco, who just turned 21, if he could buy some for us. he agreed and i was so nervous because mary was finally going to meet him. we picked him up, went to a 7/11, he got a six pack, i paid him back, and dropped him off. it took less than 15 minutes, he was in the backseat, and we barely talked, but mary said there was a definite tension. so i’m not crazy. and i swear i felt his presence coming to my car before i heard the door open. riley and my therapist also told me he definitely likes me. i don’t know how they’re so sure when the signals are literally a mixed bag.

anyway, kash’s thing was very small, maybe eight people including mary and me. everyone was on their way to getting fucked up when we arrived. there was a bottle of hennessy with a xanax bar dissolved in it. i sipped. there was coke and weed and everclear, which i took a sip of and then regretted doing so immediately. kash was on everything, but he seemed fine. before we got there, mary “claimed” him but then said she was going to go after this other dude after we arrived. i was turned on, but i wasn’t making any moves really. as the night went on, kash started to just move closer to me, and like touch my leg and stuff. mary death glared me even though she was flirting with the other guy. i didn’t really care. she was annoying for that. i don’t even like him like that, i was just horny but he was too gone to fuck anyway.

we stayed there until like 4:30. i napped a little. kash wanted us to stay longer, but i was sober and wanted to go home. during the drive, mary, who did a line and was also pretty drunk, finally opened up about her insecurities and how she feels when guy prefer me over her. i felt bad for her because i understand where she’s coming from. guys often don’t go for bigger girls like her. at least not the guys she likes. but i don’t think it has anything to do with me, or that i need to change anything about myself. i do want to support her more though, and encourage her to move away from basing her self worth in the opinions of others, especially the guys she falls for.

kash put mary and i on the guest list for his show tonight, but i don’t know if i will go. it’s supposed to be kind of big and a lot of tarik’s friends will be there. tarik might even be there, and i don’t really want any drama from that or from mary getting on my case for probably fooling around with kash. plus, francisco invited me to his party tomorrow and i’ve been dying to go to that so i don’t really care about tonight.

i feel like after tomorrow night, i will know what i need to do with the francisco situation. if he flirts with other girls, it’s an automatic goodbye from me. if he is obviously into me, then i will reciprocate the energy and hope he asks me out either that night or sometime soon. if he doesn’t acknowlege me much, i will probably begin to wean myself off of him. my intuition tells me scenario number two will play out but i am trying really hard not to get my hopes up. but i just have a feeling. and today, when i was driving home from therapy, my daily mix played don’t let me down by sabrina claudio then face by brockhampton. also all the tarot card readings on youtube are on point, something along the lines of someone loving me but being closed off, and how we have an existing relationship and both want more, but are afraid. i’m gonna be really sad at the universe if it sends me all these signs and then tomorrow night is disappointing.

i need something to happen soon though, because i need to move on if it’s not going to happen. i have been aching for him so much and i don’t want to feel foolish for having feelings for him anymore. and i know i’m not trying to date right now but francisco has lowkey always been an exception. i think i even said that in an earlier post.

 

sixty-one

i don’t have a lot of time because riley’s about to pick me up to go play tennis, but i’m kind of anxious right now, and i want to get into it a little bit.

francisco came back from doing army stuff and fighting fires in cali and whatever the hell idk but i was so happy because he hit me up as soon as he got back. i already had plans, though, and i don’t want to adjust for him too much since at the end of the day, he is just a crush of mine and i don’t know what i am to him at this point.

i haven’t been having sex with him during our meetups this summer, but last night, it was so heated and we were both so tense and it’d been so long since i saw him, i lost self-control. i regret it because i haven’t gotten tested since being with tarik, who proved himself to be a whole ass d-o-g when we hung out one night (after we broke up but were still seeing each other) and i got high and he invited a random girl over and tried to get me to have a threesome, and when i didn’t, started to fuck the girl in the same bed that i was in. yeah, and then when he saw i was awake, he started to cry and apologize and tell me he loved me. i haven’t talked to him since, and he even had the audacity to text mary and ask her why i blocked him on everything.

anyway, that happened last week, and i just got tested today. but i am really praying to fucking god that i didn’t pass a std to francisco because i would kill myself. i like him too much, and last night he said that he missed me when he was gone, both before, during, and after sex lol and he said that likes spending time with me. i really like him, but even so, i’ve realized i’m at a point where i just can’t retain my lucidity very well if i’m in a committed relationship. so it feels like we’re on the same page as far as what our relationship should look like, but i don’t know if he has any feelings for me at all.

last night, he took me to see the house he’ll be moving into with some teammates, and we went to super deluxe, which i’d never been to and it was so cool, and we talked very easy to each other. it was really nice. he said i should come to his wrestling matches and the parties he’ll throw because he’ll make me mixed drinks and that i should get carne asada fries with him on sunday because that’s his cheat day. and i felt like he was looking at me with soft eyes when we were at super deluxe. but i am not trusting my instincts because he’s so confusing. i feel like it’s glaringly obvious that i like him but i haven’t said it outright and i’m not going to unless he does.

anyway it’s all fun and games until someone gets fucking chlamydia. i can’t wait for my test results i wanna die.

**update i’m clean but i need to be more careful from now on, the anxiety was unbearable while waiting for results

sixty

therapy has been going well actually. my therapist is a white woman but she’s pretty cool. i like her because our sessions are very casual; she self-discloses a lot but i’m okay with it because it lets me know that she can relate to the things i’m going through. she also gives neat advice on how i can be more organized and plan things better and stuff. we talk about things like my love life, my relationship with my parents, and my school-related anxiety. it’s been helpful because i always leave feeling like i just took a mental shit. i gain clarity about my situations, regardless of whether or not i reached a definite solution during the session.

with all that said, therapy is only a tool to help me deal with living in the outside world. it isn’t a substitute for writing this blog in any way because this blog is about me being totally shamelessly honest with myself, celebrating my personhood, and documenting who i am at the point of documentation. the therapeutic factor is only one tiny reason i keep it. a bigger reason is that i want my future self to remember me and have empathy for me in a way that i don’t have for myself currently.

i am ready to take a step back from my social life for a while. i have faith that i will still be close friends with the people i’ve been hanging out with, but i won’t be as available anymore. i kind of only want to hang out if a plan is made ahead of time. i just feel a need to be alone in order to make some progress.

i miss tarik but i am glad to be single again. everyone that i’ve talked to about the breakup (hannah, mary, jordan, and riley) has said that he was a rebound/summer fling/etc. i don’t know if they said that to cheer me up or what but it makes me sad that that’s what he is seen as. our relationship, though short-lived, will always be beautiful and incredibly meaningful to me. the imagery that comes to mind is pulsing light in a glass orb. the reason i broke up with him is because we are on different life paths so we are not compatible on a surface level. but we are soul mates who were very much meant for each other during the time we were together. i will always love and respect him. that is more than i can say for ray, even though i was with ray for two years. i will always love ray, because that is not an emotion i can control, but i don’t respect him. partly because we dragged our relationship out until it was limp and lifeless, way past our “meant for each other” timelines. i did not want to do that with tarik, but i hope we can stay in each other’s lives somehow. maybe as friends or even just two people who will always love each other from a distance. i don’t want us to forget each other is all.

as nice as love is, i have too much going on right now. i am not looking and now that i am more confident in how attractive i am to these dudes, i’m not seeking self esteem boosts via tinder and aimlessly flirting like i used to. the only exception to my celibacy would be francisco because i’ve liked him for so much for so long, but even with him, i won’t be trying or expecting much. he’s doing army stuff right now. we text every now and then, and he comments cute shit on my selfies, but nothing dramatic. when he comes back to town at the end of the month, he’ll be living dangerously close to me, so i hope we can boo up sometimes. we might both be too busy and emotionally unavailable for anything more. but if he proposed something, i’d probably go with it because i like him soooo much. so like i’ll reciprocate, but i’m not initiating shit.

for the rest of summer, i would just like to go to the gym more, and read a lot, and maybe spend some time alone somewhere new for a few days.

fifty-nine

my heart is heavy tonight. everything has been feeling wrong lately and i’m kind of just sickened by life and myself in a very general sense. i feel like summer is starting to wind down and it makes me want to cry and throw up. remember when kylie jenner said 2016 was “the year of realizing stuff”? as dumb as that statement was, i feel it. this summer has been one of realizing stuff.

i broke up with tarik today. i feel like shit about it. i did it so badly. i couldn’t speak. our time was short and sweet but so meaningful to me. he taught me to love myself. it was something i was working on before i met him but he pushed and supported me a lot, and helped me get in touch with my spiritual side. he made me feel confident and beautiful and inspired me just by existing. i want to die. i don’t fuck with the earth in this moment.

i really hope he stays in my life somehow. i do love him a lot. i’m just trying to make life as simple as possible for myself right now. if i stay with him, way too much of my mind and energy is devoted to thinking about him. at this point, i can’t help but lose my lucidity being in a relationship.

i need to focus on myself and i can’t get distracted. i keep telling myself that. “stay focused on yourself. you know what you need to do. trust yourself.” i’m trying to practice self-discipline. not like, force myself to be any certain way. just get into the habit of doing what’s best for me.

i still want to pursue perfusion, after lots of deliberation. i would be very proud to be a perfusionist. in ten years, i see myself being bomb as fuck with lots of cash. i see myself having the biggest dick energy. i radiate.

i’m going into my second year of college with 90 credits, so i’m technically a junior, thanks to all the college classes i took in high school. that is a relief. the problem is that i have a very shitty gpa. so i can’t fuck around at all anymore. i have to love myself enough to like, parent myself, and not say fuck it and go out on school nights when i should be studying.

the self sabotaging shit i do needs to die. the confusing freedom for lack of self-discipline needs to die. i am capable of a lot. i just need to face the hard work. i want to make myself proud more than anything. so much of life for me is internal. that’s something i realized when i took my little road trip. that yes, community is important, but there is so much meaning to be found in these things that i can’t share with anyone. i just need to take it for what it is and appreciate it myself. there is beauty in that. i don’t know if what i just wrote will make sense to anyone else.

i have a lot more to say but honestly, i am tired. and i am sad about tarik. and i am marinating. i have a lot of emotion right now and a seed of loneliness. but i am alive, feeling the feelings of life, and i am grateful for that, even though they sometimes make me want to die.

my songs right now are rodeo by juvenile and what katie did by the libertines. both songs hit me in my feelings in a way that i don’t really understand. i also really like the album better off a shone by la goony chonga and bootychaaain.