forty-nine

look, there’s nothing wrong with sluts. i love sluts. i don’t think i have the qualifications to be deemed a slut but i definitely wouldn’t be offended if i was called one. but girls who fuck with guys who are in a relationship who aren’t like, rich sugar daddy status? i really don’t fuck with them, the same way i don’t fuck with guys who don’t leave a girl alone even when they know she’s in a relationship. sorry this is so heteronormative. my point is, if you fuck with a person who you know is in an exclusive relationship, you’re the second shittiest type of human, right behind the cheater. and karma will get you. but in the case of kim and ray, i’m not going to wait for karma.

actually, i don’t even care about kim. she’s gross and banal and has the emotional intelligence of a 13 year old. she’s suffering enough. i’ll just leave her beatdown to chance. if i see her and i feel like it, i will. i’m just mad that ray would even allow her to be in a category i am in, that is people he’s fucked. but that’s what i get for giving an ugly guy a chance (multiple chances…ugh).

so what happened is he logged into snapchat on my phone to show me some stupid video of his brother because his phone died. he forgot to log out and i snooped after he left. i knew there was something fishy on his account. maybe it was because of the weird feeling i still had in me from the episode with him and my dad the other night. i didn’t care if he was presently talking to girls because we’re not together. but i saw that he and kim were flirting like literally middle schoolers and hitting each other up for booty calls back when we were still together. and he talked shit about me, something he vowed he never did even when we were not together. i have no idea why these messages were saved but i am so glad i found them. he’s so disgusting. he made me feel so crazy and shut down my instincts for so long and made me feel all out of tune with myself. i’m beyond glad i found what he was hiding because now i rock his shit upside down without feeling any remorse. before, i thought that the worse thing i could do to him without feeling bad was simply not be with him. he had me questioning myself there too. but now the possibilities are endless. i even told him like a week ago that if he disrespected me again i would fuck up his life. he agreed and promised i had no reason to worry. i’m so glad i’m not worrying anymore. i am overjoyed.

so here’s what i’ve done so far. i emailed his boss about how he takes fucked up naked pictures of residents at the care facility he works at (a *big* no no) with screenshots and told her he is often high at work (she’s going to drug test him). i reported his uninsured car (he has no license either). i told his buddy pete (kim’s bf) about him and kim and pete’s mad as fuck and he is way bigger than ray. he is going to jump him so good. now i’m just waiting for it all to crash on him. ray is so stupid, the way he lives his life. i thought it through and realized he has nothing on me, besides sex videos (i don’t care but could use the early experience in filing a civil lawsuit) and telling my parents i smoke, but at this point my word trumps his. i, on the other hand, have much more dirt on him. dumbass bitch. i feel no remorse.

i’m a scorpio. nothing makes me happier than this little vigilante justice mission. thank you to the powers that be for exposing this vermin to the right girl.

thirty-six

i used to think like, how the fuck is blues even a genre? how is it possible for one person to complain endlessly, without running out of material? but now i’m like, there is literally always something bothering me too so look who’s talking. like honestly, even when i am happy, i am a sad happy.

it’s weird though because people at work always tell me i’m the chillest person there and ask me how i manage to never look stressed out and i’m like….why would i stress out about some dick’s no foam latte not being no foam when i have real shit to stress about girl i aint worried about shit? like school had me so fucked up because i was scared of not passing and having to retake classes which would be a waste of time and money and it made sense. it’s a very real fear. i am not chill when it comes to that stuff. but like people i work with have shit to deal with too. some go to school, many have kids, have bills to pay. so why do they let mean customers and morning rushes get to them so much? it’s hella weird. but i get it in a different way. i get petty & immature mad at ray about dumb shit but that’s pretty much the only time small undeserving things get the best of me.

in general, i like that i can feel calm in dramatic situations. i guess it is a little weird though. most of the time, i feel so blank when i get in an argument. even when shit gets real and a normal person would be having a meltdown, my thoughts could not be more lucid. it scares me a little. makes me feel like a psychopath. rarely, though, like only twice in my life, one little thing will set me off and i’ll have an insane lash out episode, during which i’ll feel upset, of course, but somehow a little relieved too? like at the same time that i’m freaking out i’ll think to myself, thank god! i do have emotions, and this is what it feels like to feel them.

when i was little, hearing my parents fight was the scariest shit ever. but i got good at it. i got good at calculating which level of anger each person was at at any point. i could always tell some shit was going to go down whenever my dad snapped rhetorical questions like is it any of your business huh? do you think i’m an idiot huh? and on and on. dad level one. then my mom would start to get mad that he snapped at her and she’d bring up some old shit. mom level one. then he’d shoot back some more old built up shit and probably break something, yelling like crazy, acting threatening, and scaring the shit out of me (and my mom too probably, but she never showed it). dad level two. my mom would just stare at him as if she regretted her whole life and just couldn’t believe how stupid he was. mom level two. on a good day my dad would stare back for a long time then storm off to the garage for a cigarette. but sometimes my mom would have to dodge and run from him because got to level three, and i would have to step out and threaten to call the cops. on a good bad day, my dad would back down there, but on a bad bad day, i would really have to call police while locked in my parent’s bedroom with my mom, who would undoubtedly be at a level three by now. a mom level three is the absolute worst. she moans tears. she looks feral. she crouches like there are demons hovering over her. and the exhaustion from that excursion to unhinged would last days and weeks after the cops leave the house and my dad stumbles into the guest room.

i was gonna write more but i’m fucking sad now.

three

i should be doing things. i should be having fun. i should be exploring, adventuring, experimenting. in these precious years, adults say, you should be having the time of your life.

really?

then please tell me, how am i supposed to have the time of my life when i can’t even go outside by myself? that’s right. this is going to be a “let’s complain about parents” post.

my parents are ridiculous. they are so fucking binding, i can’t begin to express how hard it is for me to move. i can’t go anywhere without telling them a week in advance. and even then, it has to be at a time convenient for them. i can’t walk anywhere. i can’t take the bus, max*, or get a ride from anyone other than them. that means that while most kids hang out at a fro-yo place or something after school, i’m probably at home. and it sucks ass.

it’s not even rational. i live in a very safe neighborhood. they’re like, afraid i’ll get abducted or something. no! i have people i can go with, if they’d let me. but because of their awful logic, i feel like i’m not getting the chance to experience my life as a teenager like everyone else. i probably won’t have any fun stories to tell when i’m older. it just makes me sad, that’s all.

i really don’t know what to do. sometimes i feel like it’s too much, but there’s nothing i can do. telling them how i feel does nothing. they insist they are only trying to keep me safe. i can not get through to them the fact that one day i will be leaving and then i will have to figure it all out on my own. it’s so much safer and healthier for me if they’d start loosening up their rules now.

*max is the light rail service in portland